Post by jacksonpostal on Jun 12, 2009 13:10:49 GMT -5
WARNING: THIS WILL PERHAPS OFFEND SOME IF NOT EVERYONE WHO READS THIS AT SOME POINT. I DO NOT MEAN TO, I AM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU A TRUE STORY AND LET WHAT EVER FEELINGS I HAVE ABOUT THE GIVEN MOMENT FLOOD OUT. I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT WHILE I TELL THIS STORY, IT BEING RATHER TERRIBLE AND HORRIFYING AT TIMES, I HAVE A PARTICULARLY HUMEROUS WAY OF DOING SO. SO I FIGURED I'D WRITE IT DOWN.
it all starts where life starts. SEX. between two people, for those with morals. it is often rare to find both partys wanting to partake at the same time but it still happens.
sometimes they might even enjoy it without the usual acts of bondage, blind folding, whipping, and the harmonic ambiance of a factory in the back ground.
sometimes the one who should be wearing a condom... doesn't... and then ruins both their lives. this is where my situation comes into play.
no no. i'm not one of those assholes who wishes every day for a random bullet or lightning storm to come along and take him away from the living hell that is his family, but as you can tell i have thought about it.
truth is i'm reasonably happy with my family, for a person like me that's pretty much the best you could hope for. so when me and the wife found out we had a baby on the way, oh happy day.
pregnancy with my wife was great the first time around. i worked long nightly hours and was used to having to go out and fetch doughnuts from 7/11 at 3 in the fucking morning because she saw an advertisement for the simpsons movie(homer loves doughnuts)
not to mention sex was borderline cheating. i say that because sexually my wife became someone else. i've been told that an average married couple takes years if not an entire decade to go through the vast amounts of sexual exploration... we charted the globe in under three months. my penis had to take leave, seriously, i remember one time we had sex for 3 hours on the floor(personal record) and that when it came for the fireworks to entertain the rednecks, i shot a double tap, or came twice in a matter of seconds (something i've never heard of another man doing period) i was so proud i told almost every guy friend i had.
i don't know where this person came from, as far as i was concerned a pod person from xenon 7 had eaten my wife and replaced her and i couldn't have been happier.
when it came time to get an OB, we didn't have to look far, but we certainly should have looked longer. this will play out later in the game.
we found a woman who had delivered countless babies. a picture of her, the mother, an new born littered every inch of her office, and i don't mean her lil office office. i'm talking the waiting room, halls, you name it. this bitch had gone baby diving a lot.
now whether her success with putting her hands deep down into a womans hi-yah had come from natural talent or the fact that she was an open lesbian is still a mystery. but who cares, if anyone is less concerned with the sexual orientation of anyone it's fucking me.
to me who you fuck is your business as long as it's not kids, goats, or fuck knows what. it's my opinion that everyone's a little gay and some people just have different balances. i'm all for gay marriage because a) i have no religion and b) why let gay people have all the fun of just fucking, let them be miserable as well. and i think if you honestly want to stop something like gay marriage or you're one of those sinister facist pieces of shit who wants to turn gays back into straights, then i think you need to get a hobby. because last i checked, 80% of mother fuckers who complain about that shit aren't within miles of an open gay person.
ok back to the doctor(reason why i titled it RANT you see)
she was very nice, laid back, funny, and like i said very very gay. not trying to be mean or anything but you didn't need to look at her shoes to tell she loved eating pussy as much as me.
and of all the other prick doctors we looked at before, she was by far our favorite. kris's evangelical in-laws hated the fact we had chosen a gay person to deliver our son(which says all kinds of great things about them) but it just made her more likable on my side
some of the other doctors i honestly wanted to put through the wall. i envisioned them hating their lives or watching countless episodes of HOUSE(awesome fucking show) and wanting to be like him so they'd just piss off their patients with lil remarks and a know it all personality. news flash assheads "it's a tv show!!!"
one instance, we were visiting the last doctor before we found DYKE MD, and i made the comment to my wife about how my generation was due for twins, not necessarily being serious but it was still early in the pregnancy and the thought the idea of twins was cool. i wasn't even talking to the doc, just my wife. she turns to us and says "please don't buy into silly little superstitions and what not with this. it's your child, not an inheritance." i looked at my wife, smiled, gave that bitch in the white coat the finger and we walked out.
the point i'm getting with this is, we really liked the doctor we had found. it was to the point that if she couldn't make one of our appointments for an emergency at the hospital and had sent an understudy, padwon, something then our whole day was ruined. we liked her that much... remember to remember all of this.
fast forward to the day my son is born, which might as well have been the day before. i wake up at 2:30 in the morning with my wife screaming at me to get her to the hospital or she was going to spray after birth all over me. i don't know if that's possible, but it certainly motivated me.
my wife lay in labor for close to 19 hours. after a certain point in the day she couldn't even get out of bed to use the bathroom. that would be the worst for me. to be reasonably ok, maybe a bit swollen in the crotch region from a giant lamprey oozing out of me, but to not be able to go to the bath room to take a piss or shit, but instead lay there and do so... fuck your couch.
the day wore on so long that our beloved OB left for the night, assuming the extraction would occur tommorrow morning. my son began to come out around 8
by 9 our doc was back in the building, and honestly seemed pissed to be so.
now this next part's a bit important.
since i was going to be there for the delivery, and i'm talkin front row IMAX seats, the nurses went over step by step of what was going to happen. the way they described it seemed fairly routine and normal to me(i do come from a family filled with medical people and someone who also delivers babies) but i imagined guys flipping out during various deliverys and being a distraction if not worse.
i remember the nurses words as if i was an army ranger about to storm the beaches of normandy, with Ike's words echoing in my head.
Nurse: we're going to prop your wifes feet up on these things right here(she taps on them). this will give her more leverage to help push out the baby. the doctor will wait until she can actually see him before ever touching your wife. when we see him, she will GENTLY ease your wife around him until we get one shoulder through(i loved how she said that btw, i mean how else can you say "ease your wifes pussy lips around him" without it sounding so... awkward?) once one shoulder is out, she will then ease him out and unless something goes wrong, that's the gist of it.
again, pretty simple.
now try and put those words into your mind... as i did.
ok almost show time. wife has her feet on the "thingys" as the nurse called them. just gonna sit here and wait for the doctor to... wait what's she... what's... holy shit what are.... fuckin shit are you serious!?!?!?!!?!?!
yeah so the doctor just shoved her hands, her massive linebacker hands into the once very small hole that was my wifes vagina, and ripped out my son like he was a football. my son, being slimey, purple, and goon shaped is in rather top condition. the space in between my wifes legs looks like revelations. the elevators in the shining had less blood.
what the fuck happened with the whole... and the hands... i thought... i mean fuck.... what happened.
so yeah apparently she too is also a house fan, and the mere incident of our son being born made her miss a season two parter or some shit. that's why she was pissed about coming back.
whatever all is said and done. all my wife needs is drugs, rest, and time.... right?
to be continued
it all starts where life starts. SEX. between two people, for those with morals. it is often rare to find both partys wanting to partake at the same time but it still happens.
sometimes they might even enjoy it without the usual acts of bondage, blind folding, whipping, and the harmonic ambiance of a factory in the back ground.
sometimes the one who should be wearing a condom... doesn't... and then ruins both their lives. this is where my situation comes into play.
no no. i'm not one of those assholes who wishes every day for a random bullet or lightning storm to come along and take him away from the living hell that is his family, but as you can tell i have thought about it.
truth is i'm reasonably happy with my family, for a person like me that's pretty much the best you could hope for. so when me and the wife found out we had a baby on the way, oh happy day.
pregnancy with my wife was great the first time around. i worked long nightly hours and was used to having to go out and fetch doughnuts from 7/11 at 3 in the fucking morning because she saw an advertisement for the simpsons movie(homer loves doughnuts)
not to mention sex was borderline cheating. i say that because sexually my wife became someone else. i've been told that an average married couple takes years if not an entire decade to go through the vast amounts of sexual exploration... we charted the globe in under three months. my penis had to take leave, seriously, i remember one time we had sex for 3 hours on the floor(personal record) and that when it came for the fireworks to entertain the rednecks, i shot a double tap, or came twice in a matter of seconds (something i've never heard of another man doing period) i was so proud i told almost every guy friend i had.
i don't know where this person came from, as far as i was concerned a pod person from xenon 7 had eaten my wife and replaced her and i couldn't have been happier.
when it came time to get an OB, we didn't have to look far, but we certainly should have looked longer. this will play out later in the game.
we found a woman who had delivered countless babies. a picture of her, the mother, an new born littered every inch of her office, and i don't mean her lil office office. i'm talking the waiting room, halls, you name it. this bitch had gone baby diving a lot.
now whether her success with putting her hands deep down into a womans hi-yah had come from natural talent or the fact that she was an open lesbian is still a mystery. but who cares, if anyone is less concerned with the sexual orientation of anyone it's fucking me.
to me who you fuck is your business as long as it's not kids, goats, or fuck knows what. it's my opinion that everyone's a little gay and some people just have different balances. i'm all for gay marriage because a) i have no religion and b) why let gay people have all the fun of just fucking, let them be miserable as well. and i think if you honestly want to stop something like gay marriage or you're one of those sinister facist pieces of shit who wants to turn gays back into straights, then i think you need to get a hobby. because last i checked, 80% of mother fuckers who complain about that shit aren't within miles of an open gay person.
ok back to the doctor(reason why i titled it RANT you see)
she was very nice, laid back, funny, and like i said very very gay. not trying to be mean or anything but you didn't need to look at her shoes to tell she loved eating pussy as much as me.
and of all the other prick doctors we looked at before, she was by far our favorite. kris's evangelical in-laws hated the fact we had chosen a gay person to deliver our son(which says all kinds of great things about them) but it just made her more likable on my side
some of the other doctors i honestly wanted to put through the wall. i envisioned them hating their lives or watching countless episodes of HOUSE(awesome fucking show) and wanting to be like him so they'd just piss off their patients with lil remarks and a know it all personality. news flash assheads "it's a tv show!!!"
one instance, we were visiting the last doctor before we found DYKE MD, and i made the comment to my wife about how my generation was due for twins, not necessarily being serious but it was still early in the pregnancy and the thought the idea of twins was cool. i wasn't even talking to the doc, just my wife. she turns to us and says "please don't buy into silly little superstitions and what not with this. it's your child, not an inheritance." i looked at my wife, smiled, gave that bitch in the white coat the finger and we walked out.
the point i'm getting with this is, we really liked the doctor we had found. it was to the point that if she couldn't make one of our appointments for an emergency at the hospital and had sent an understudy, padwon, something then our whole day was ruined. we liked her that much... remember to remember all of this.
fast forward to the day my son is born, which might as well have been the day before. i wake up at 2:30 in the morning with my wife screaming at me to get her to the hospital or she was going to spray after birth all over me. i don't know if that's possible, but it certainly motivated me.
my wife lay in labor for close to 19 hours. after a certain point in the day she couldn't even get out of bed to use the bathroom. that would be the worst for me. to be reasonably ok, maybe a bit swollen in the crotch region from a giant lamprey oozing out of me, but to not be able to go to the bath room to take a piss or shit, but instead lay there and do so... fuck your couch.
the day wore on so long that our beloved OB left for the night, assuming the extraction would occur tommorrow morning. my son began to come out around 8
by 9 our doc was back in the building, and honestly seemed pissed to be so.
now this next part's a bit important.
since i was going to be there for the delivery, and i'm talkin front row IMAX seats, the nurses went over step by step of what was going to happen. the way they described it seemed fairly routine and normal to me(i do come from a family filled with medical people and someone who also delivers babies) but i imagined guys flipping out during various deliverys and being a distraction if not worse.
i remember the nurses words as if i was an army ranger about to storm the beaches of normandy, with Ike's words echoing in my head.
Nurse: we're going to prop your wifes feet up on these things right here(she taps on them). this will give her more leverage to help push out the baby. the doctor will wait until she can actually see him before ever touching your wife. when we see him, she will GENTLY ease your wife around him until we get one shoulder through(i loved how she said that btw, i mean how else can you say "ease your wifes pussy lips around him" without it sounding so... awkward?) once one shoulder is out, she will then ease him out and unless something goes wrong, that's the gist of it.
again, pretty simple.
now try and put those words into your mind... as i did.
ok almost show time. wife has her feet on the "thingys" as the nurse called them. just gonna sit here and wait for the doctor to... wait what's she... what's... holy shit what are.... fuckin shit are you serious!?!?!?!!?!?!
yeah so the doctor just shoved her hands, her massive linebacker hands into the once very small hole that was my wifes vagina, and ripped out my son like he was a football. my son, being slimey, purple, and goon shaped is in rather top condition. the space in between my wifes legs looks like revelations. the elevators in the shining had less blood.
what the fuck happened with the whole... and the hands... i thought... i mean fuck.... what happened.
so yeah apparently she too is also a house fan, and the mere incident of our son being born made her miss a season two parter or some shit. that's why she was pissed about coming back.
whatever all is said and done. all my wife needs is drugs, rest, and time.... right?
to be continued
